I quit my job…

About 6 months ago, I suddenly thought about a veterinarian that I worked with when I was a kennel assistant over 25 years ago.  He was kind of a grumpy guy…smoked his pipe in the back where the dog food was stored and didn’t have much to say.  I suddenly needed to know what ever happened to him.  Was he retired?  Was he happy?  So, I googled his name ending with DVM.  Do you know what came up?  His obituary.  This seemed to be the summary of his life.  Dr. H worked at Animal Hospital X for 42 years.  He retired in 2011 and died less than 2 years later.  

Needless to say, I was shocked.  My first inclination was, ‘Nope!  That’s not happening to me!’.  But, here I was following a very similar path.  My life is challenging at times but it’s overall pretty predictable.  Wake up.  Groan.  Hit snooze.  Finally get up, get dressed, make coffee, feed pets and drive to work.  Craziness for 10-11 (or more?) hours and done.  Tired.  Stop by fast food on way home 3-5 times/week.  Take care of pets again.  Sit in chair and scroll youtube on my phone.  Talk to my Dad and say prayers.  Walk my dog around the block.  Shower or not (I didn’t get THAT dirty today, did I?)  Lights out.  The next day I do it all again.  And again.  And again.  My life was like groundhog day.  I was not growing in my job.  I don’t have friends or family in the area.  I had no energy to exercise or take care of myself properly. The community is a sleepy suburb of wonderful families and retirees but there’s not much to do.  

I’m not volunteering. I’m not engaging with the community.  I’m not happy in my position.  So why am I still here?

I was (as we say) quite COMFORTABLE.

I lived 1.4 miles away from the hospital.

I made enough money to save over 50% of my income every month. I was also at the peak of my earning years!

I was the ‘boss’, giving me a lot of control over not only the way in which the practice was run, but also my schedule in general.

I had a staff that I believe respected me and trusted me.

Unfortunately, I was somehow also MISERABLE. (See above paragraph referencing groundhog day.)

I started making DEALS with myself. I will work at this job until we hire another veterinarian. (I CAN’T leave them when we are so BUSY!)

I will work at this job until I turn 50 (4 more years). Then I will have amassed X amount of money and feel OK. (That felt like too long.)

I will work at this job until my next birthday, one year from now.

I will work at this job until the number of pages in my yearly finance journal have run out. (You get the idea).

Ultimately, I realized that there was never going to be a PERFECT time. We were able to hire another veterinarian. I had more than enough money to make a fully funded life change. The number of pages in my journal doesn’t matter in the slightest. The fact is that CHANGE is super hard. I had dedicated over 15 years of my life to this job. I had formed relationships with staff, clients and pets over that time. I had a very comfortable lifestyle.

I had signed up to start a Veterinary Acupuncture course and had flown to a spot in rural Florida for the second module. The night before the course, I reflected in my journal the following thoughts:

If I give everything to this job and then someday, finally retire…what will I actually have left?  Money?  Money can only provide a rudimentary sense of comfort.  It doesn’t buy good conversations, and community involvement or happiness.  

Life has just got to be about more than just getting through the day.  It’s just got to be.  

If I wrote a book about my life, I’ve often thought that I would entitle it, ‘On the Edge of Epic.’  Having good ideas that don’t ever come to fruition.  Being one step away, one hard decision from changing my life for the better.  What’s it going to be?  

I had to take the plunge. I finally did it.  I did the thing I could not do.  I quit.  I drafted a resignation letter in probably less than 5 minutes.  I took a deep breath and sent it to my partner (the office manager) at the clinic.    I had no real solid plan in place.  I said my last day would be Dec 21 (one week ago!).  I had talked myself out of this 1000 times but not that day.  I struggle with change.  I stay at jobs too long.  I have to try my darnedest to live this life the best I possibly can.  I may fail.  I may hate the next step.  But I won’t regret it.  Because I’m taking a chance.  I’m doing something that’s scary and uncomfortable and I feel a little nauseous.  I’m living.  I’m brave.  I’m free.